March 2009

"Outsource" - 3/30/09

yes I have shuddered making your decisions
still I am wondering if I will miss you
taking your sweet honey time
pouring over menus mildly
resented waiting for you
to remember

especially ones you know are so important to me

I have tried to ignore such subtle indiscretions
as you never sticking up for me
when your friends have been careless
and showing virtually no
gratitude for celebrations
unabashedly mused
to offset

some days I know you've felt more than a little abandoned

I've made an effort to be myself every step
of this Jacob's Ladder
but I have not seen
you make the same
effort to prove your self to you
that I've made to love you

trying so hard not to be angry but it's my nature to question

cynicism self-doubt selfishness breakfast
presents birthdays rejections
love making arguments
time avoiding the outside
world apart sharing a mattress
assailing my back much less
than your silence

stabbing like icicles cutting into unsuspecting negative

space what a concept how should I fill this
so close to confronting you so many times
still I froze in my tracks, somehow
knowing the loss I would feel
one day from this blinding
indecision - you rarely
knowing what you
want - has left

its mark on me for the rest of my life I may never feel safe again

from myself falling in love with my opposite
and no you are not to blame but if you
have any dignity you'll at least pray
for my sanity an exodus of hope
from everything beautiful
musical poem alone
I tried

to "outsource" this collage of meaning as you suggested but no one

knows me better than my own words
stinging as they may be from
raw reckless energy screaming
regret pointlessly fool
she knows better still
her heart breaks