May 2021
Notice The Clouds
"Notice The Clouds" - 5/31/21
Every day she rereads a few sayings - tweets, collected
By Yoko from a book gifted at her lowest point
A loving friend had a perfect instinct, blessing her
With possibility where she saw none so meditation
Began whether Ono's clever avant brand or Headspace
She ran unbridled flying shoes she'd never noticed
She'd had on taking tours - as recommended - globally
In her own mind. She also relearned the fine practice of
Feeling sorry for a bully and in so doing distilled hope
So now, when taking stock of this familiar behavior
From which she distanced herself internally long ago
Hanging paper wishes on magic trees inside her heart
She flips pages of gratitude quiet with self-awareness
That white noise has no bearing against an ability
To listen, knowingly, and to think no when yes = cruelty
"Bottle" - 5/29/21
If I ever forget what it means to be brave
All I have to do is one of these 6 things.
This is a letter to my future self so I don't forget
And you, whosoever finds this are also a witness
Firstly I should put on any record by Beth Hart
There is no one I've ever heard in all my many years
Listening to words and music who captures
With so much grace-humanity courage's full range
Secondly I should take a walk around my own block
Look into the eyes of strangers' tsuris-laden faces
Whatever collective life challenges what strikes most
Is the strength required just to keep city ghosts at bay
Thirdly I should read a biography of anybody I admire
I've never encountered any story of success without
Ample evidence that future's hope sprang full-force
From the darkest, deepest, irrefutable obstacle course
Fourth I should meditate on what it must be like
To be a chemical addict of any kind, and to choose
With whole heart, to commit to recovery knowing
Relapse is a distinct possibility but embracing hope
Fifth I should remember the ancestors
Crossing deep waters not looking back
Leaving everything irrevocably behind for a new
Kind of frightening, boldly believing in the ephemeral
Lastly I should picture your face's soft resilience
Weathered and rich with experience's grace
But youthful as any teenager's free dance
Roller disco laugh-lines lancing back illness' enmity
"Stars" - 5/28/21
For the better part of my 20's
I didn't let anyone into my apartment
I was a "workaholic" whose personal space became
A kind of chaotic receptacle for things I'd defer
Unless I absolutely had to confront; hyper-focused
Next door, I rented an office and from
Those humble beginnings sprang
A two decades dream that at times has also been
A kind of dystopia from which I couldn't wake
And yet the addiction to possibility vs. process
Itself came to feel so familiar and numbingly
Real that potential's grip could no longer hold
Out-of-body my soul hovered haplessly shouting
Names like promising, persistent, cell-resounding
Memories of a level of confidence long unlaced
Seeped from hope's pores it's seemed sometimes
That faith's inability to pick up on fraud's fears, faced
Has left surfaces more exposed than should be legal
Vulnerability veering from shame to shivering
Dependability eluding expectations' pendulum swing
Hiding in corners evading love's white light
Embarrassed and rattled by late-stage stage fright
What if I've said everything elegant I have to say
And now is the time to simply be quiet or pray
Who'll show up on the other side of unknowing
Molten lava, shape-shifting, ghost-glowing
Don't leave me is a selfish thing to say
When reality dictates we can never leave
What we truly are and time is a trilogy of
Suffering so far, healing, then fear set free
I've balance-backslided lately in spite of green tea
Slipping on peels of PTSD and no one else
Can pick them off this concrete floor but me
So don't wait but rather shine your brightest light
G-d willing after loss' time-lapse all will see stars
(Including me too, eventually)
Memory Loss
"Memory Loss" - 5/26/21
When I am at my lowest points
And know the answer's in plain sight
Hiding beneath a this or that
A worn out shoe, an old felt hat
When all I see is loss-obscured
And victory's a worn out ward
Allergic to the touch of calm
That emanates from love's thick balm
When I am screaming silent cues
For help and empathy's red hues
Not capable myself of dialing
Numbers raw with sanctifying
When I am in this darkness-place
Chaos climbing in ivy twists
I picture your 'candescent face
Tinctures transforming tears to mist
As if to whisper "rise again
And when you do your break will bend
Your no will yes with multitudes"
Taut with this hope my heart colludes

"Oxygen" - 5/24/21

When you give and give and give
And you know it makes a difference
It is a gratifying thing, a precious thing, a gossamer
Web of soulful beauty butterfly escaping prismatic cells of want

When you live and live and live
And you know your days contain progress
It is a clarifying ring, a sound as pure as rainfall
Drops of hopeful empathy foals finding legs petals seeking sun

When you lie and lie and lie
Down motionless while sirens wail outside windows
Knowing they're echoing warnings, depths of sorrow's woe
What to do as hope's answers elude and history's embers glow?

I hold you now with the knowledge that exhaustion must rest
I see your face with a non-judgmental magnifying glass, best
I hold your hand and feel its skin-breath soft with forgiveness
Yielding to oxygen's ephemeral slow-dance with restlessness

"gauze" - 5/24/21
Who am I if I do not write songs?
To what tribe do these myriad molecules belong?
When words do not come, symbiotically,
With melody for months and months
When a year's entirety stretches out indulgently
A carcass of defeat gesticulating "goddess I am lost"
It makes no difference who is cheering on
From the sidelines, offering assurances
All that matters in these moments of water-treading
Fatigue-wrestling (insomnia's faucet ever on)
Is that the spirit is struggling and in these moments
One must turn inward like a red rose at night
Replenishing the only way angels offer how
By bearing witness to the here and now
So, with regret and rebirth in equal measure
I denounce useless impatience in favor
Of useful irreverence which for now equals truth's expanse
Inevitable kiddush hailing self's immeasurable second chance