"Red" - 12/10/19

There is probably nothing
I can add to the topic of getting an MRI
That hasn't been mentioned before
By the millions of people who've
Laid down on the same flat surface
Counting the same deafening clanks
Holding their breath with the determination
Of Olympic synchronized swimmers

There is certainly nothing illuminating
I can share around the idea that stress
Only creates more stress the way the very
Mysteries these machines hunt for divide and
Conquer within the dark precarious
Red is my power color and always has been
My hair, now grown-in down to my brows
Was red for a decade my nails today are too

There is nothing I can possibly gain from
Checking Facebook mere moments before
I am to undress, put my elements of style
Into an empty locker, attempting to focus on 
Positives like how lovely my nurse's smile is
Or that if I have to have anyone find another
Better vein it may as well be someone
With as kind a face as hers

I read about the singer from Roxette.
Sad news at every turn...if it wasn't her
It would have been someone or something else
Gunshots in Jersey City, a beloved actor accused
Today's news is as threatening to our collective soul
As results from my own test are important to me
I am one small but mighty ward in a prison from which
We all will only break out of together

Climate changes everything though
I look again at the woman's face and think
How difficult a job this must be
I appreciate her smalltalk, her thoughtful questions
She tells me she just saw "Waitress" and loved it
I recognize she is unquestionably my target audience
I will most likely never see her again just like
If I am lucky I will probably never see the last

One who helped me through that nearly identical day
6 months ago I went to a different facility
That one was closer to me this morning
I complained to myself about the pending
Greater shlep in realizing this I make myself laugh
I am able to be silly there is abundant humor
In frailty and even in the fact that after my test
I ran into friends who invited me to a movie

I'm dying to see but not tonight...Tonight I need
To check some deadlnes off my list: design a
Postcard for my next gig, weigh in on album art
So much work to be done its too bad I already
Binge-watched Mrs. Maisel it would be such a
Comfort to have that still ahead of me to enjoy
And therein for me lies today's joy not only do I
Have the ability now to strive, yearn, drive myself

Forward, but I actually know how to lie still, breathe
I suppose today was a rough day in many ways 'cause
I chose to do it alone. I did not ask for help, I did
Not want to worry anyone because worry
Only creates more worry the way the very
Mysteries these machines hunt for divide and
Conquer within the dark precarious
Red is my power color and always has been

Edges - 11/28/19

What is a holiday?
A holy day becomes holy
Because we make it so
What can I do today to make sure

I don't forget to hold holiness close
Making space for those without
Family, comfort or even a sense
Of their own history; those in yearning

Those in darkness, confusion and mourning
Those in hospital beds, war zones, anxiety, worry
You have my love and inclusion
Given freely within the framework of

Self-care and a new kind of boundary
I am only just learning to build so that
I can be of service to those who need me
More healthily, more gratefully

I realize not everyone has family
With whom they are able or would choose
To spend a long or even a short meal
Let alone loving hugs, stories and latest news

I realize the history of horrors unspeakable
This day conjures for those whose holiest
Losses of life, culture and hope were burned
As wildfires in the name of all fear fosters

I recognize that my opportunity to share
To celebrate to congregate may be for some
A reminder of what is painfully missing
So I gather my love like sand around bare feet

Hoping that after
These hours of reflection
I will be just a little more tuned in
To where life and death's edges meet

Birthday - 11/21/19

At the end of the day
This date is about being grateful
Grateful for having been born
Grateful for a lack of answers to mysteries
That keep me tethered to the earth
Instead of giving up

My mother planned a dinner for me that
Initially felt like it "upset my plans"
Plans I had made for myself
Plans to do the exact things I wanted
In the timeframe that felt easy
Comfort being the Birthday default

But this is the bottom line:
How lucky I am to have a loving family
How lucky I am to have loving friends
How lucky I am to have a warm home
And a roof of reflection, over my soul
Showing me, Yayoi-like, ancestry's infinity

What a privilege it is to be part of something
So painful, beautiful, miraculous and confusing
What a challenge it is to look the future in the eye
While lamenting mistakes and resolving to do better
Knowing, all the while that regret is as ambitious
As ambition is given to driving blind

Today, however many years ago as I feel like
Revealing, my mother went through literal hell
So I could live with glistening hope, aching dreams
Grasping all day, every day, for colors so vibrant
They make it hard to know where to begin
And yet, here I am, a new year, a new chance

To begin again, to learn what every year I forget:
At the end of the day
This date is about being grateful
Grateful for having been born
Grateful for the ability to ask
Humbled by your willingness to listen